"The only time you really live fully is from thirty to sixty. The young are slaves to dreams and the old are servants of regrets. Only the middle-aged have all five senses in the keeping of their wits."
If you are over 50, and view your life this way – I’m setting out to modify your view. Here’s an open invitation to a life of possibilities and a fourth stage of life – your life of possibilities.
Teaching balance exercises and working on my new book, Repair and Maintenance Manual for Successful Aging – Human Body Model Years 1946 – 1965 (to be released in 2019) brought me closer to how many 50+ age Americans view life.
I have learned much from speaking with my elders but how they tend to describe their lives to me is sometimes heart-breaking: Play, Work, and Regret. Unfortunately, this is not an oversimplification and I decided to learn something about it by asking them what they would have told their selves when they were twenty. Even though I’m not twenty anymore, I also decided I would tell myself what to do in order to have the best possible second half of my life.
What my elders would say to their 20-year-old selves about living their own life:
“HAVE THE COURAGE TO LIVE A LIFE TRUE TO YOURSELF, NOT THE LIFE OTHERS EXPECT OF YOU.”
What I learned from them:
Most of the seniors offered some version of this wisdom and felt their lives would be very different had they received this guidance at age 20. Most admitted they had not respected their dreams and would die knowing that the life they had was due to outside influence on choices they had made, or not made. Some still harbored ill feelings toward those they felt forced a life upon them that wasn’t theirs. Almost all of them told me that at 20, they didn’t believe there were so many possibilities and they were discouraged from living their own life, especially if didn’t fit their parent’s/sibling’s perception of life.
What I told myself:
Lana, the possibilities are all around you. “It’s too late” is a death sentence. Don’t discourage yourself. Honor the dreams you have now because there is always a way. Remember your dreams of age 20 knowing that, for a lot of reasons, the dreams you have now may be even better. Commit to surprising yourself when you are 60.
What my elders would say to their 20-year-old selves about work:
“DON’T WORK SO HARD.”
What I learned from them:
Almost every male deeply regretted spending so much time working and spoke about missing so much of their children’s lives and never getting it back. More than half of them regretted missing out on their spouse’s companionship. They told me they had many excuses at the time: better standard of living for the family, security, social status, etc. but, in the end, none of the excuses turned out to be valid. Underlying every conversation about this topic, I sensed a deep love for their families that they tried to express by making more money instead of making more shared experiences. They seemed genuinely sorry and apologetic towards their family members.
What I told myself:
Lana, create your own currency based on valuing experiences and relationships. Remember that work expands the time available for its completion. Ask yourself, “On the last day of my life, will I wish I had worked more?” Look at the people you love and commit to devoting specific time with them.
What my elders would say to their 20 – year-old selves about expressing feelings:
“DEVELOP THE COURAGE TO EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS.”
What I learned:
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others and haven’t changed yet. As a result, they settled for a life that was less fulling than it could have been and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many of the men told me they were taught not to express their feelings. A surprising number of men said their father never hugged them or told them he loved them. Some women told me they learned to limit expressing their feelings in order to protect their selves. Many men whose wives had died told me they are very sorry they didn’t tell them they loved them often enough.
What I told myself:
Lana, never be too busy to enjoy your husband’s hugs. Do more than simply tell others you love them. The deepest part of love is how it changes lives – let it. Love is not a feeling; it is an all-absorbing call to action; make good use of it. Surrender to the moment. Letting others know exactly how you feel makes honest relationships.
What my elders would say to their 20 – year-old selves about friendships:
“STAY IN TOUCH WITH YOUR FRIENDS.”
What I learned:
Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let great friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Most don’t even know how the friendships fell apart but also didn’t know how to restore them.
What I told myself:
Lana, you may have had only a small circle of friends and some of those who are true friends have also let life get in the way of cultivating the friendship. Don’t feel like you have to have an excuse or be embarrassed to reconnect with them. Try, and if it doesn’t work out, let it go. It’s one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.
What my elders would say to their 20-year-old selves about happiness:
“ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE HAPPY AND JOYOUS WITH ALL YOU ENCOUNTER”
What I learned:
Many did not live realizing that happiness is a choice. Their old habits and fear of change limited their happiness. Some told me that they had to pretend to be happy and content in order to keep the peace. Most knew they had not laughed enough. Some told me they wanted to be able to be silly again.
What I told myself:
Lana, knowing possibilities are limitless is the quickest way to happiness. Never lose your ability to love simple days and simple gifts.
What my elders would say to their 20-year-old selves about travel:
“TRAVEL MORE…. THEN TRAVEL SOME MORE”
What I learned:
Speaking about travel with my elders often opened emotional responses. Many had big travel plans during middle age but put travel off until retirement only to find their health failing when they were ready to go. Even those who were well-travelled told me there was one more trip they should have taken. These travellers shared some common beliefs: “Travel is so rewarding that it should take precedent over all other things you spend money on…… Travel when you’re able to….. Just go — it doesn’t have to be luxury travel……. Don’t ask if you can afford it; you can’t afford to not go.”
One woman of moderate means told me, “If you have a choice between upgrading your car or kitchen and a trip, I say take the trip.”
What I told myself:
Lana, travel nourishes your imagination. Imagination takes you to a place of new experience so life can unfold around it. Make yourself do more, not want more. Keep your life indebted to an unknown future with unknown experiences.
What my elders would say to their 20- year-old selves about careers:
“TAKE CAREER CHANCES”
What I learned from my elders:
The elders were much more in favor of career risk-taking than I imagined. Many regretted saying no to opportunities because they were afraid of taking a chance or felt too comfortable in their current job. About half told me they once believed there was no dream job possible, but later in life realized they could have made it happen if they were not so cautious and fearful.
What I told myself:
Lana, you will doubt myself more than anyone else will. Ask yourself, “What’s the worst that can happen and then just do it because in 20 years you will be more disappointed in the things you didn’t do than the things you did do.
What my elders would say to their 20- year-old selves about health:
“TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY”
What I learned from my elders:
The health of the 76 million baby boomers is three times worse than the health of the prior generation. The problem in this day and age is that people are not going to die sooner; they’re going to be stuck with 10 years of chronic disease. In the midst of their decade long partial disability and weakness, people are telling them that they have few possibilities left. My experience with my elders taught me that somewhere along with their sore knees, diminishing memory and bottles of pills there is a lingering sense of something that can stir even the slightest chance for new possibilities.
What I told myself:
Lana, remember that the “best generation” has told you that we all need to live a life with ‘yes’ as our default setting.
WHAT I WANT YOU TO KNOW
There is no reason you can’t enter your life of possibilities. Perhaps what I told myself can serve as a beginning for your fourth stage of life. Everything on this list can be accomplished right now. WHAT WOULD YOU TELL YOURSELF?